Abigail M. Schilling

Remember my friend with the family portraits? Well, there's this boy, um, Mark, who knew my friend, um, Marissa, a million years ago when they were small. Mark and Marissa had playdates while their parents discussed sweater sets and CD accounts. One day Mark's family moved far far away.

Marissa moved on with her life, started kindergarten, learned how to read, graduated high school, etc. All the while, Marissa's mom was taking family portraits at least every two years. (Longer than two years = outdated.)

Every year at Christmas time, Marissa's mom would write a letter about all the family milestones. Marissa and her siblings would be lauded for spelling bees and soccer scholarships. Marissa's mom would include a non-outdated photo. And she would send it to everyone the family had ever known.

Thus, every year Mark's family would receive Marissa's family photo. One day (probably around age 14) Mark realized that Marissa was really hot. Imagine that. He continued to watch the hotness until one day, around age 23, Mark decided to make his move.

"Mom and Dad," he said, "I'd really like to get re-acquainted with Marissa."

"What a fantastic idea!" his parents said. "We'd love to see Marissa's parents. It's been so long since we've discussed private education."

So Mark's parents asked Marissa's parents if they wanted their two families to get together, a sort of reunion of those old playdate days. Marissa's parents thought this was a great idea and a date was set.

Marissa's parents made sure she was available: "Mark asked about you, make sure you're there!" She, knowing better than to conflict with family plans set the date aside. The same cannot be said of her siblings who all found themselves unavailable the night of the reunion.

Marissa and her parents arrived at dinner only to discover that Mark's siblings had also bailed and suddenly it was a double date. Mark and Melissa and Mark's parents and Melissa's parents. Maybe that's a triple date? I'm not sure.

Marissa kept her chin up, though, because it turned out that Mark had aged well also. Through careful parental planning, Marissa found herself sitting across from Mark. (Her mom was across from his mom, her dad across from his dad.)

And Mark! Mark turned out to be swell, Marissa told me. Mark is in medical school! Mark is a surfer! Mark rented a ski cabin with his friends for the winter and wants Marissa to come!

"Ski cabin" was all I needed to hear. I immediately instructed Marissa that she was to secure the cabin. She was to tell Mark that she would love to join him and his hot medical school friends at the cabin. Could her hot friends come too?

Marissa told me she'd work on it and since Mark had asked for her number at the end of A Very Brady Date she assumed it wouldn't be too much of a problem. They went on another non-descript date. I heard about how he was in medical school. Yada yada. My interest started to wane, but Marissa assured me it would work out. I'm seeing him Friday, probably, she said, we'll surely talk about the cabin then.

And then the dreaded text message came. Mark and Marissa had agreed on Friday for the third date and she was just waiting to hear when he'd pick her up. He sent her:

great luv-child, b prepared 2 b amazed and enthrawled c u fri. :)[sic]

So, no, the family photos are not worth it. And I guess I won't be staying in a cabin with his hot friends this winter.