Abigail M. Schilling

I'm in Georgia with Heather Anne where I've discovered this amazing thing called TELEVISION. You'd think, what with all my constant chatting about America's Next Top Model that I'm a regular TV... junkie (junkie? really? is that the term?) but I, in fact, watch just that one show. (And all the the DVDs for every TV show that aired two years ago. We're behind the times like that in La Mirada.)

All that to say, I had no idea the sheer volume of things in the TV that could consume my life. (And also that they have truck accident attorneys! So don't wait after your truck accident! Call right now!)

Did you know there is a show about the Playboy Mansion? An actual reality show about "Hef's" "Girlfriends." It's called, "The Girls Next Door."

We watched two episodes of it (the 4th of July episode and the one where Bridget gets a dog that looks like her cat since she can't get her cat to act like a dog) twice which was not enough times for me to fully understand the whole mansion-girlfriend-centerfold situation.

So I read about seven million articles on it (the same number of the magazine circulation in the 70s). At one point last night Amy, Heather, and I were on all our laptops feverishly churning out statistics on the girls, the estate, and the fortune.

We debriefed today and it was as if Heather had forgotten everything we had learned the day before. So I fashioned her a diagram.

A: Playmates

Playmates are the centerfolds of the magazines. There is one per month and then A Playmate of the Year. This is a real honor and very competitive.

B: Bunnies

Bunnies are the girls that wear the costumes at promotional events and for photos. Before wearing the costume you must go through Bunny Training where you learn how to serve drinks correctly. Of course, they don't actually serve drinks (seriously, they are just for show) but they need to be able to demonstrate if they're asked. (Apparently there used to be Playboy clubs wear bunnies served.)

C: Girlfriends

Hef has some girlfriends. They live in his house and go on dates with him and stuff. These girls are what the show focuses on and they're the most mysterious for me. A couple years ago, Hef had as many as 8 or 9 girlfriends at a time. This was not a particularly good situation. There was a lot of competition and jealously among the girls (see AC).

Also, there is a Number One girlfriend. She gets more perks. Oh! Right! The perks. The girls get paid and they also get unlimited plastic surgery. And also a car, and also all their expenses and stuff paid.

HOWEVER, they have a curfew every night and aren't allowed to have other boyfriends. I guess polygamy isn't a two-way street.

AB: Playmates/Bunnies

Playmates are sometimes Bunnies. For example, a particularly promotional event (like a Playboy celebration) may require all past Playmates to wear the costumes. It is a privilege.

Likewise, Bunnies are sometimes Playmates. It's not easy to get into the magazine. Although Bunnies are often featured "cyber girls" on the website.

AC: Playmates/Girlfriends

This is the most controversial aspect of the Playboy dynasty. I guess it's a big dream for a lot of girls to be the Playmate of the Month/Year. So! They'll court Hef and become a girlfriend and then get him to give them the centerfold honor.

This is why there are so few girlfriends now. See, Hef's feelings were getting hurt cause these girls didn't want to be with him, they didn't love him, they just wanted to be in the magazine. It was sad times at the mansion.

And all the girls were getting in fights too cause they all wanted to be the centerfold.

BC: Bunnies/Girlfriends

Girlfriends, may, if they so desire, sport the Bunny. They're not required to since it's not their job, but since it's such a honor and when you think about the symbol of the costume and how much Playboy has accomplished over the past 50 years, I don't know why you wouldn't want to. Which is what Holly said when Kendra said she wasn't sure she wanted to wear it.

Kendra finally agreed to wear it, only to chicken out in the dressing room. She tells us on the confessional cam that if there was a sporty bunny she would totally wear it.

ABC: Playmates/Bunnies/Girlfriends

Rarely, a girl can occupy all three categories. The Number One gf right now has accomplished all three. I believe many of the girlfriends in the past had also accomplished this, before Hef's feelings got hurt. Now, I guess it's unlikely that a girlfriend will be a centerfold. I don't think Kendra cares, though. Unless there is like a sporty centerfold?

This is the kind of information I would spew to my mom growing up and she would say, "Abigail, if you devoted this much energy to school then you would be getting straight A's!"