Abigail M. Schilling

My mom recently called me to inform me that she was planning on switching cell carriers. Since, it has become a familial emergency with frequent text messages from my brother asking me if I've made up my mind yet?!

I have to decide whether to switch carriers with my family.

We're on a family plan.

Yes, yes, I did move to California five years ago. Yes, I paid my own way through college. Yes, I bought my own car, pay my own bills, have my very own credit card debt.

But my mom still pays my cell phone bill.

I had to ask her to send me some copies of bills because I have never seen one of our cell phone bills IN MY LIFE. I feel so much like Paris Hilton. What? We have to pay for the phone? Does this come in pink?

These bills are truly the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Did you know they track every single phone call? They know when I made it and to whom. They know how often I call certain people. Or how often I check my voicemail because I never actually answer my phone.

But my favorite thing ever is that I get to see these personal stats for my mom's phone too. And guess what, guys? She uses the phone WAY, WAY, WAAAAAY more than I do.

Let's look at the data for a moment, shall we?

ANYTIME MINUTES
Abigail 629
Sally 1,531

NIGHT & WEEKEND MINUTES (free)
Abigail 284
Sally 657

MOBILE TO MOBILE (free)
Abigail 288
Sally 417

That's right. She uses 2-3 times as many minutes as I do in every single category. I don't know how she does it. Really. I was talking to Heather about this to have someone agree with me that this is crazy and Heather is apparently my Nicole Richie and also has never seen a cell phone bill. Nevertheless, she knew crazy when she heard it (I crunched the numbers: over 15 calls per day, Sally) and declared that clearly there was supernatural power at work here.

By day she is Sally, mother of two, fighter and defender of justice and by night (and weekends, and anytime, and mobile to mobile) she is ...

THE MINUTE-WASTER!

Behold, her mighty abilities to consume cell phone minutes.

I really shouldn't be surprised. I mean, most of my minutes are probably calls from her. I spent several hours crawling through each line of our bill wondering where all my other minutes came from. I'm honestly shocked by how much I'm on the phone.

And I was looking at phone plans and I couldn't believe how expensive they are! I feel cheated! When did cell service become more expensive than an oil change? Hell, when did cell service become more expensive than a Gap pair of jeans?

This has obviously blossomed into an obsession earning me the clever moniker, THE MINUTE DETECTIVE!

THE MINUTE DETECTIVE has found herself between a rock and a hard place. Basically, I can only switch carriers with my family if I pay a $200 cancellation fee. Hmmm. Looks like I'll have to do some more research.