Abigail M. Schilling

by Heather Anne

Abigail’s television coverage is to television coverage what Fox News is to news.

Look, I’m not hating on her TV: Posts. I love them. A lot. But they’re incomplete. I have tried time and again to get her to watch 30 Rock or Ugly Betty, but she’s too busy watching Private Effing Practice to pay attention. So, look here, these are good shows, too:

30 Rock

I only use stamps for two things: 1) to mail letters to my Congressional Representatives. 2) to mail love letters. I keep copies of the Congressional letters on my hard drive. And I file copies of the love letters (in triplicate) in my bottom desk drawer under the label “Tina Fey Fan Mail!”

On last week’s episode of 30 Rock, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) goes from disappointment when she finds that the package outside her apartment door is a delivery for her neighbor, Mr. Raheem Haddad (instead of her prescription shampoo); to disbelief that Mr. Raheem Haddad won’t shake her hand when she delivers said parcel (“I think it’s because I’m a woman!”); to suspicion when she discovers that Mr. Raheem Haddad has maps all over his wall, can easily repair toasters, and knows a shortcut to the airport. "I think my Middle Eastern neighbor is a terrorist and I don't know what to do," she tells her boss, Alec Baldwin.

Later, she sees Haddad and his brother doing a militia-style obstacle course on a neighborhood playground, and she’s all, “What the… what!”

I suspect she would have done nothing if she hadn’t passed these three public service announcement signs:

And really, what’s an American hero to do? Lemon rats out Haddad to Homeland Security. He and his brother are abducted taken into custody and… questioned. Turns out they were training for The Amazing Race. "America's government shocked my nuts," Haddad later tells Lemon. Oops.

The New York Times isn’t so sure 30 Rock should be satirizing race relations. But the New York Times wasn’t crazy about the last Harry Potter book, either. So, really, can you trust their opinion? (No. No, you cannot.)

30 Rock is smart. And seriously funny. And the characters are really starting to flesh themselves out. And Tina Fey is the star!

Did I mention that already?

Ugly Betty

Ugly Betty is silly and campy and sweet and funny and… yeah, I mean sometimes there are holes in the plot, and sometimes it’s enough already with the will they/won’t they Betty/Henry thing, but overall this show makes me laugh out loud, and it makes my heart flutter, and it makes me feel good about people.

Plus, really, Betty and Henry actually are quite cute.

Last week — LaManda: “Where have you been all my life?”

Henry: “…math camp.”

Heh.

And also, Marc and Whilimena? Best sinister duo ever!

It was slow on the uptake in season 2, but Ugly Betty has really hit its sophomore stride.

Okay, let me just shoot straight with you: due to the Writer’s Guild strike (which I support, by the way) there will be no more episodes of The Office in the foreseeable future. No more. Now, unless you know a secret hibernation trick (and if you do, please tell me) you are going to need something to get you through this bitter, frigid television-less winter. I suggest queuing the first seasons of 30 Rock and Ugly Betty.

Then, you can watch seasons 2 of both shows online at abc.com and nbc.com.

I know, I know, the writers don’t get paid when you watch episodes online, and that’s what started this whole strike in the first place. But when your crack dealer gets shot, you mourn for a little while... and then you know what you do? That's right: you dust yourself off, and find another place to buy drugs.

It’s the wheel of the world, man.