Abigail M. Schilling

I buy tampons at the pharmacy in our building for two reasons. One, it's really convenient and I've streamlined my life to include only convenient stops, and two, because I get a 10 percent discount because I work in the building.

Today, the pharmacy in our building was out of tampons. This was especially irritating because they have ever knick knack ever created, every kind of sketch candy produced, and every get well soon card, and yet they can't keep tampons in stock? And also because I'm kinda on this going-places-in-public strike.

So, I had to go out on in public. To the store. The grocery store. I've been there once in the past three weeks and it was to buy shampoo and liquor. I figured I wouldn't have to go back for at least another week unless I binged on the liquor and I've been trying not to do that just so I wouldn't have to go back to the store.

I left my office today to go get a smoothie and take a chill pill so I could finish the day strong and instead I had to go get a smoothie and then go to the store. And apparently it was amateur hour at the store because I waited in line for SEVENTEEN MINUTES.

Do you know how seventeen minutes is? Every single checker was open and every single line when back into the aisle and it was TWO in the AFTERNOON. I have never seen the grocery store this crowded in my life. I actually had to call Jeni and have her coach me through the experience. After she had read about three chapters of her ethnic textbook to me, I started reading magazine covers to her. Unfortunately, for the majority of the call I could only see the covers of the less reputable periodicals, like Life&Style Weekly which boasted an exclusive story on Angelina's African water birth.

Now, I haven't been in public lately but I still like to think that I would know about the new baby before reading it on the cover of something as embarrassing as Life&Style Weekly. Jeni wasn't sure of baby status either since she has contracted the mono and has been asleep for the past three weeks. I was so concerned that I started frantically looking for US Weekly to get their take. And they're not even legit.

In my quest for knowledge I got distracted by Soap Opera Digest where a very dramatic woman was listening to what appeared to be a very dramatic phone conversation and also she wasn't wearing very much clothes. A little too loud I read the headline to Jeni, "Alexis finds out TONIGHT!"

The 78-year-old woman in front of me turned around and asked me when this was all happening. Apparently, she's an avid Alexis fan. I had to break her heart and tell her I had absolutely no idea but in about ten minutes we would be close enough to the digest to find out all the dirty details. It really did take ten minutes.

There were several men-ish people in line behind me that were totally judging me for both being on the phone in the store and also using the phone to discuss magazine covers with someone who had to be as equally obnoxious as myself. Maybe they felt left out. I would have totally discussed the African water birth with them if they had made eye contact or something. But no, they saw that I was buying tampons and judged away.

(Oh, and the baby isn't due out til sometime this summer according to People.)